I Think I'm Paranoid
Ok, I havn't posted for a while because all I seem to want to do just now is rant and I thought I'd save you all from that. However, it's meant that there have been no updates and I'm getting into trouble for that, so here goes....
(disclaimer: these are just my rambling thoughts and if anyone thinks they might have upset me by something they've said, don't worry, you haven't, just refer to the title!)
I got asked an interesting question recently: 'Are you a full time mum?'. I automatically answered yes as that's what I am, I can't actually think of anyone I know who is a part time mum (much less would admit to it). The response to my answer was 'oh, that's nice' as if I'd chosen the easy option. On seeing Russell's face I realised I'd answered incorrectly and what they'd really meant was do I work. As a typically paranoid mum I of course read way too much into a simple conversation starter (and managed to spent 1/2 an hour dissecting it with Russell afterwards)!
Why do we do it? The majority of mum's I know are the same, if they don't work they spend ages justifying why this is right and if they do work they spend ages justifying why they should, rather than just being happy with where they are and enjoying life! I had a conversation with one of my friends recently (who doesn't have children) who said that a lot of the pressure mum's are under is put there by themselves. I think she had a very good point, the majority of people do not expect us to have a spotless house, look gorgeous every day, hold down a full-time job and cook every last ounce of food from scratch. We do set these goals for ourselves and if it's because we think that's what people say it's either based on a one off comment, something that we read too much into or comments from someone who really has no idea what it all involves. We also look at other people and think they're managing it all but you never see what goes on behind closed doors or what a person is feeling like or even look at what that person does compared to what you do. The lower I feel the braver a face I put on for the outside world and I'm sure most people are the same.
The biggest bug bear seems to be to work or not to work. My friend asked me if anyone had actually directly told me that I should be at home looking after my kids. My answer was yes and I know I have, but I can't for the life of me remember who by, which would suggest it was either someone who doesn't have a huge impact on my life or was a very small part of a conversation. My friend did however go on and say that if she'd had kids she would have stayed at home. Now paranoid mum here immediately thinks 'what's that if it's not telling me I should be staying at home with my kids'. I don't know if I'm right in interpreting it that way but I never let her know how I interpreted it so I haven't exactly helped the paranoid mum cause!
On the work issue, I always say we can't afford for me not to work. While this is true for our current lifestyle I'm sure we could survive on one income if we changed our life a lot, it's just not a step we've looked at. If I'm honest with myself I'm the type of person who has to work. It's easier to see that because I'm in a job I love and feel valued at and feel that I make a difference. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the whole 'am I doing the right thing by working?' and I think ultimately I am. I might not have the right work/home combination yet but I cannot imagine myself not working. There's a part of my brain that I have to use that is not used by looking after kids and it's a type of work that, without qualifications, doesn't really lend to working at home (and I'm discovering qualifications and kids are in no way an easy combination). This is quite a tough discovery to make as ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to be a good, full-time housewife and it's a shock to discover that it's something I won't be. However, when I'm thinking properly I can see that I can be a good mum even if they're not with me all the time. Also, when I look at the social skills that my girls are gaining from the couple of days they're at nursery I think those are skills that I personally wouldn't be able to recreate elsewhere, just because of the type of person I am. Hmmm, not sure if I've just been justifying myself or trying to say that everyone is different so you can't measure us against the same stick just because we're all mum's!
People tend to be very quick to let you know when they perceive you are doing things wrong (and I'm guilty too) but I'm not going to go into all the things I've been 'told off' about (sometimes in the most public way). What I do want to say is that I find the few positive responses so uplifting and encouraging. Parenting can feel like such a gamble sometimes that it's nice to be told when someone thinks you actually made a good decision.
Anyway, rant over, normal service will now resume(we'll leave it to time to define what I mean by normal service - will it be a lack of posts or back to posts about kids with lots of pictures attached!)
(disclaimer: these are just my rambling thoughts and if anyone thinks they might have upset me by something they've said, don't worry, you haven't, just refer to the title!)
I got asked an interesting question recently: 'Are you a full time mum?'. I automatically answered yes as that's what I am, I can't actually think of anyone I know who is a part time mum (much less would admit to it). The response to my answer was 'oh, that's nice' as if I'd chosen the easy option. On seeing Russell's face I realised I'd answered incorrectly and what they'd really meant was do I work. As a typically paranoid mum I of course read way too much into a simple conversation starter (and managed to spent 1/2 an hour dissecting it with Russell afterwards)!
Why do we do it? The majority of mum's I know are the same, if they don't work they spend ages justifying why this is right and if they do work they spend ages justifying why they should, rather than just being happy with where they are and enjoying life! I had a conversation with one of my friends recently (who doesn't have children) who said that a lot of the pressure mum's are under is put there by themselves. I think she had a very good point, the majority of people do not expect us to have a spotless house, look gorgeous every day, hold down a full-time job and cook every last ounce of food from scratch. We do set these goals for ourselves and if it's because we think that's what people say it's either based on a one off comment, something that we read too much into or comments from someone who really has no idea what it all involves. We also look at other people and think they're managing it all but you never see what goes on behind closed doors or what a person is feeling like or even look at what that person does compared to what you do. The lower I feel the braver a face I put on for the outside world and I'm sure most people are the same.
The biggest bug bear seems to be to work or not to work. My friend asked me if anyone had actually directly told me that I should be at home looking after my kids. My answer was yes and I know I have, but I can't for the life of me remember who by, which would suggest it was either someone who doesn't have a huge impact on my life or was a very small part of a conversation. My friend did however go on and say that if she'd had kids she would have stayed at home. Now paranoid mum here immediately thinks 'what's that if it's not telling me I should be staying at home with my kids'. I don't know if I'm right in interpreting it that way but I never let her know how I interpreted it so I haven't exactly helped the paranoid mum cause!
On the work issue, I always say we can't afford for me not to work. While this is true for our current lifestyle I'm sure we could survive on one income if we changed our life a lot, it's just not a step we've looked at. If I'm honest with myself I'm the type of person who has to work. It's easier to see that because I'm in a job I love and feel valued at and feel that I make a difference. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the whole 'am I doing the right thing by working?' and I think ultimately I am. I might not have the right work/home combination yet but I cannot imagine myself not working. There's a part of my brain that I have to use that is not used by looking after kids and it's a type of work that, without qualifications, doesn't really lend to working at home (and I'm discovering qualifications and kids are in no way an easy combination). This is quite a tough discovery to make as ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to be a good, full-time housewife and it's a shock to discover that it's something I won't be. However, when I'm thinking properly I can see that I can be a good mum even if they're not with me all the time. Also, when I look at the social skills that my girls are gaining from the couple of days they're at nursery I think those are skills that I personally wouldn't be able to recreate elsewhere, just because of the type of person I am. Hmmm, not sure if I've just been justifying myself or trying to say that everyone is different so you can't measure us against the same stick just because we're all mum's!
People tend to be very quick to let you know when they perceive you are doing things wrong (and I'm guilty too) but I'm not going to go into all the things I've been 'told off' about (sometimes in the most public way). What I do want to say is that I find the few positive responses so uplifting and encouraging. Parenting can feel like such a gamble sometimes that it's nice to be told when someone thinks you actually made a good decision.
Anyway, rant over, normal service will now resume(we'll leave it to time to define what I mean by normal service - will it be a lack of posts or back to posts about kids with lots of pictures attached!)
posted by Jennie at 11:29 AM
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